Is Your Husband or Boyfriend Having a Summer Affair?

Elmhurst, NY 11373 June 21 2007

Summer is peak season for cheating men.
According to infidelity expert Ruth Houston, extramarital affairs flourish this time of the year. Houston, founder of www.InfidelityAdvice.com and author of Is He Cheating on You? – 829 Telltale Signs, says, “Many men view summer infidelity as a recreational sport. Some husbands are seasonal cheaters who only cheat when their wives are away on vacation. Other husbands are opportunistic cheaters who cheat only when there’s an opportunity do so without getting caught.” Houston all three types of cheating men, consider summer the ideal time to initiate summer fling or an extramarital affair.

Most Summer Affairs Go Undetected

According to statistics, 50% to 70% of husbands cheat on their wives. Houston says that a good percentage of these affairs take place during the summer months. “Most of this infidelity goes undetected because these summer cheaters use a variety of tactics to conceal their summer affairs.” Houston discusses some of these tactics below:

Husbands Play When the Wife is Away

“Many husbands routinely send the wife and kids to the beach, the lake, the country, the mountains, or to visit relatives in another state, “ says Houston. “ But what’s he up to while the family is away? Where is he? Who is he with? Usually his wife has no idea how he’s spending his time.”

Fictitious Fishing Trips

Houston also points out that cheating husbands and boyfriends frequently disguise vacations with their lovers as fishing or camping trips or similar rugged activities with the guys. “Men know that guys-only activities and similar forms of male bonding are unlikely to be questioned by the women in their lives. Is he really hiking the Appalachian Trail with his buddies? Or soaking up sun in St. Thomas with his summer sweetheart?”

Bogus Business Trips

Houston says that trysts with the mistress are often disguised as bogus business trips. She warns that even valid business trips can provide opportunities for seasonal cheaters to cheat far from the sight of prying eyes. “Attending that summer business conference without you is the ideal setting for a budding office romance to blossom into a full blown affair. Has he tacked on an extra few days to a legitimate business trip so he can spend that time with his lover?”

Suspicious Separate Vacations

Has your spouse or significant other suggested (or insisted) that the two of you take separate vacations this year? Where does he plan to go? Who will he be vacationing with? Houston says: "this is a common ploy that cheating men use to lay the groundwork for a summer affair. If he’s too insistent, you may want to re-think your summer plans.”

What to Do About His Summer Affair

“If you see telltale signs of a summer affair developing or actually taking place,” says Houston, “Speak up! Ignoring it won’t make it go away. Let him know you’re aware of what’s going on and tell him you want it to stop. Otherwise he’ll feel free to do it again next year. Worse yet, his summer fling may become a permanent state of affairs. If he bonds emotionally with his summer love, he may move in with her or ask you for a divorce.”

How to Spot or Prevent a Summer Affair

Fortunately, there are precautionary measures you can take. “If he’s a recreational, seasonal or opportunistic cheater, don’t make it easy for him to cheat,” says Houston. “Safeguard your marriage or relationship by putting a few checks and balances in place.”

Follow the suggestions in Houston’s free tip sheet, “How to Prevent or Short-Circuit his Summer Affair, which also tells how to spot the signs of summer infidelity. For your FREE copy e-mail SummerInfidelity@gmail.com with "Summer Affairs - X” in the subject line.

About Ruth Houston:

Infidelity expert Ruth Houston is the founder of www.InfidelityAdvice.com and the author of Is He Cheating on You? – 829 Telltale Signs, which documents practically every known sign of infidelity. Ruth has been quoted in USA Today, the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Cosmopolitan, the New York Post, the Chicago Tribune, iVillage, MSN Lifestyle, FoxNews.com and numerous other print and online publications. Ruth has been a guest on The Today Show, CNN, Fox News, ABC News, NBC News, 1010WINS, BBC, CBC, and over 320 other radio and TV talk shows worldwide. For more information visit www.InfidelityAdvice.com 

Kludging the Marriage Conversation

CA 93065 June 18 2007

We’ve often referred to divorce as the abortion of a promise, a miscarriage of hope. We see that many couples who divorce do so because they lack a truly compelling marriage paradigm.

‘What? I thought it was because they were ‘incompatible’ or didn’t love each other any more.’

It’s not that simple. Without a viable and relevant model to inform their thinking about the journey of marriage, they will mistakenly focus on diagnosis of each other.

They may dumb down conversation, reducing their complaints to “we’d have a good relationship if it weren’t for you.” (that, by the way, is the title of an interesting book by Dr. Bruce Derman)

Focusing on what’s wrong with our partners, or indulging in fantasies such as ‘we just don’t have anything in common,’ or ‘love doesn’t last forever,’ or ‘she’s just not the woman I (thought) I married’ – seduce into a rationale that justifies our relational incompetence.

Some of us kludge. I’ll tell you a story about a recent conversation with one of my sons regarding computers, software and solutions to challenges. He described a ‘work around’ which, as I understood it, was a temporary solution to a difficult problem.

“Like divorce” I said. No, he said. “I think of divorce more as giving up on an engineering project – deciding not to engineer rather than actually trying to do the work. A kludge is still work. It’s just a quick solution to get the thing up and running with the knowledge that you will need to come back later and re-engineer it…If you get a divorce, you are deciding to abort the relationship. There may be more work to do with your kids etc. But the couple divorcing is quitting the work (and challenges) of marriage – an engineering project left undone.”

So, I said, maybe we could call an affair a kludge. Or, maybe coldness, distance, abuse, superiority, diagnosis… would qualify to be called kludging. All quick ‘solutions’ to present challenges that do not last.

But the analogy breaks down there. Because in the case of marriage these “solutions” are not only temporary – they get you out of working on the problem or challenge – they are also harmful, toxic and lead towards patterns that ultimately destroy.

But kludge isn’t thought of as a bad temporary solution. It is only a temporary but necessary one. So are there good kludges in relationship?

The recently released With These Rings Vol.I offers long and short term solutions to relationship challenges that actually work. Couples that have given up hope, couples who chronically argue or no longer communicate, couples whose intimate conversations have steadily decreased in frequency find good information and solid coaching in this book. I’m Stephen Frueh, the author, and I promise you you’ll get a great deal of useful information from With These Rings. If you don’t, mail it back to me and I’ll refund your money.

As my wife walked in the front door, arms full of groceries, I said, ‘need help?’ “I need a whole lot more than help with the groceries,” she said as she put the bags on the table. “Wow” I thought. “That’s a loaded response. Should I ‘go there’ or let it go?”

We talked of the demands on her time and energy, of both of our busy schedules, of how little time we had with each other. Later I got some take out and set the table in the RV, put on some classical music, opened a bottle of Sake and we sat and talked. I kludged her.

That brief moment didn’t solve any of our bigger (and long term) challenges, but it did address the immediate need for a course correction. It did keep our marriage going even with all the built in challenges and it reminded us that bigger solutions to busyness had to be addressed.

The many dynamics of successful relationships can overwhelm us. Or we can take a proactive approach, embrace challenge and the conflict that comes with it and intentionally look for lasting solutions to relationship destroyers. Kludge when you have to but don’t forget to come back and create new pathways to intimacy.

If we don’t, every day will look a lot like yesterday.

Stephen W. Frueh M.Div, PhD is a leadership consultant, couples’ coach, mentor, writer and speaker. He is a professional member of the National Speaker’s Association. He lives with his wife and nine year old daughter in Ventura County, California.

He can be contacted at:
Stephen@WithTheseRings.com
805 527 2600
805 338 4286

Stephen W. Frueh PhD (Stephen@WithTheseRings.com)
With These Rings
15 Vista Lago Drive
Simi Valley, CA 93065
Phone : 805-338-4286

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